What's New?

Lately, I've been paying more attention to questions such as "How are you?" and "What's new?" I've always been able to give a pretty standard answer and not feel weird about it: "I'm fine" and "Nothing new, just school and work." When I answer that question now, I answer it in the same manner, but I am lying now. I'm not "fine" per se-- not fine in the way I used to be--and everything is "new."


I lost one of my best friends in February. Best friend not necessarily meaning a person I talked to daily and saw frequently, but best friend meaning a person that I had always been close to, no matter how often we interacted. Best friend meaning the keeper of most of my good memories from high school. Best friend meaning the person I ached for when things were bad, and cried tears of joy for when things were good.


To say it has been a difficult time would be an understatement. I miss her more than I ever thought I could miss someone. I honestly thought that I would handle this differently than I have. I thought that since I did not talk to her frequently, that it would be easier for me. I have always prided myself on my ability to be positive when I have to be, and take care of everyone else before I take care of myself... but this (understandably) has thrown me for a loop. I think about her all the time. When I am not thinking of specific memories, I just find my brain repeating her name over and over again. I want to talk about her all the time. I tell everyone stories about her, and anytime someone says anything that jogs a memory of her, I mention it. It is so difficult to deal with real life at this point, because my life is centered on this.


What no one really tells you about these situations is the good that can come from them. I have been able to reconnect with so many old friends that I thought I had lost and have been so comforted by all of them. I have literally never felt this much love in my life. I love everyone, and I feel like everyone loves me. It has also been remarkable to watch my own personal changes. Shortly before this happened, I started to feel as though I had lost sight of myself; like I had lost my spirit, and was becoming a shell of my former self. The years made me negative, pessimistic, critical, and downright boring. Now I feel my bounce coming back. I feel positive once again, despite my sadness. It’s such a crazy feeling to have, and honestly, I never want it to leave. This has been the hardest couple of months that I have ever been through, but I never ever ever want to forget this feeling. I don’t know if that makes sense to anyone else, but it sure makes sense to me!


So that, my friends, is what’s new.